One of the odd things about living through life-changing experiences is the strange normality that comes with it - the car journey with Nick on the way to my first chemo… the fact that I’ve been planning my outfits (obvs), my non-stop chatter about everything and anything, and also, the need I have to share my journey with you all. I’m feeling so positive - I know this could get hard (will get hard) - but equally, I know that my mindset and my attitude of gratitude is what’s gonna keep me going - that, and all of you of course!
First up. What you all want to know…. what I’m wearing ;)
Outfit: Spanx moto leggings - I’m seriously attached to these, they are beyond comfy, I can’t stop wearing them. Black hoodie - soft and cosy, and of course, my Bitches Who Buy Too Much beaded jacket. This outfit is MASSIVELY lifting my mood and I feel ready.
How I’m dealing with this… I’m convinced that my hardcore partying-in-London-days, combined with my marathon running/divorce/being a mum of three wild boys has given me good training to get through this? I think so! (Yes, that’s a rhetorical Q - I’m SO ready!)
I’ve spent the last month since the diagnosis feeling positive - and you know what? I’m not planning on giving the Big C a seat at my table. Fact.
The L word…
We need to talk about Love. The support my family and I have received has been amazing mind blowingly, off the scale brilliant. Messages of love and kindness from far and wide makes you believe how wonderful people on planet Earth really are and how incredible the gift of life is.
2021 has not been the easiest of years for Nick and I, but all of this has put things into perspective and I’m never going to moan about the small stuff ever again - life is to be celebrated! The biggest thing I feel so thankful for is Nick - he is the most supportive partner to me and a fantastic dad. He’s my rock and I’m thankful every day for him, my beautiful friends, and the I&R community. Having this network around me, writing about my experiences, hell, launching an online shop in the middle of a pandemic has made me feel honestly, properly like me again and I’m so glad I took the plunge to launch I&R - and to be able to give something back during this cray cray time.
What have I been DOING since the diagnosis - since everything turned a tad upside down?
Mostly... not sleeping. Well, sleeping from 8pm till 2am - and then PING. I’m up. I realised I was spending my time trying to sleep but then I made the decision that as I was wide wide awake (thanks to the meds) I would use this time for myself with no interruptions from the boys or world! (I think we call this OWNING the situation!) So I've been...
Washing the floors
Planning fun things to do with the kids
Fake tanning at 2am
Outfit curations and wardrobe edits at 3am - just CHECK the feed for the glam
Herbal tea drinking
Qi Gong (google it)
Sequin vintage searching
Ironing - therapy (yes really)
Asana Rebel Yoga sessions (and breathe….)
By day I’m filling my time with friends and family doing all the happy things and focusing on positives - filled with experiences.
I’ve been running with Roosje for miles every Saturday (this girl is still cracking out an eight minute mile, cancer can do one!) I’m PRAYING this continues - for the last decade we’ve been running at the end of each week - it’s our thing and I need this. I’ve been hitting up the Spa with Jess, enjoying every moment of the school stuff with the boys - and of course, I’ve been eating all the yummy healthy food with Nick (and making him watch Selling Sunset) as well as taking on Qi Gong with my brother - more on that later.
PAC Man has been Released!
Today was day one in the First Class Chemo Suite - that’s right, December 13, 2021.
I was offered so many cups of tea on arrival this morning - everyone is being so nice! (I guess they gotta be right?) One of the biggest things that stood out for me today was that my friend said to imagine PAC Man has been released and is eating all the bad ass cancer cells - and you know what, that is what today was for me. Day one of the next stage of beating this thing.
The treatment is in three stages at the moment (all being given at the same time - wowzers, I won’t lie, it’s a LOT) - I’m having immunotherapy and two types of chemo to blast these confused cells. I’m feeling really confident that this is going to work - that’s my job in all of this, to look after my loves and to blast everything with positivity and to have faith in science and treatment.
I won’t lie. All of this is so very very surreal, like I’ve been living a dream, except I’m awake, this is real, and this is my life right now. Perhaps the worst part of this bit is that I’ve had to stop breastfeeding Remy, and yeah ok, maybe that time was coming now that he is 14 months, but it’s a choice that’s been taken away from me, and I hate that. But still, everything has a silver lining, he is getting to be a big boy now, and so… even if it wasn’t my choice it’s a new time in his life and we are ready to embrace every stage of our beautiful boys' lives.
Right now, all I can think of is ringing the bell when the treatment cycle finishes, but it’s gonna be a while - I’ve got six months of chemo ahead and on top of that, two years of immunotherapy - that’s just for starters. I’m in this for the long goals - and I’m beyond overjoyed that you are all standing here with me.
We’ve got this.
Love from Ams x
Ps... I would LOVE for you to get involved in my mission to wear sparkles every day in December. Tag me in your photos @IndiaAndRar. x