A time for healing and quiet

Bonjour,

As I write this, I’m sitting once again in the car, zooming through France to catch the ferry back to Cornwall tomorrow after three fun-filled weeks away.

On the other side of this trip, I have an MRI, a possible new line of treatment, and immunotherapy (maybe also for the last time). I don’t know what’s in store next, but I feel ready. This break has helped me to get focused and realise this.

France has been incredible. We spent the first week with my mum and step-dad, which was lovely for the boys and us. Those of you with young children will know that an extra pair of hands is always welcome and much needed. We also had friends visit that we hadn’t seen for ages. It was so special to reconnect and for our children to all play together in the pool. We visited a splash park and enjoyed all the good food and wine.

Making memories

We had a surprise for the children we’d been planning for the second week - a trip to Disneyland, Paris! We took the fast train from Angouleme to Disney and told the children on route. Their excitement levels were off the chart and peaked when they realised our family and friends were coming too.

We stayed in the Disney Newport Hotel and had three magical days together in the park. The kids were filled with awe and wonder the entire time - I’ll never forget the looks of joy on their little faces. At one point, I felt so overcome with the emotion that we’d made it there and were living our dream that I cried. It was the trip of a lifetime, and we made some special memories.

I am full of gratitude to my friend Leah for starting the Go Fund Me page and everyone who donated to it. You have given me such special moments with my partner and enabled us to create experiences that dreams are made of for our children. These past few months have felt really tough, and this time together gives us the energy we all need to power through.

I’ve read and reread all of your kind messages and each time, they fill me with emotion. The fundraiser has enabled us to do so much already and helps us forget the reality we are living with every day.

We returned from our Disney adventure full of love and happiness alongside the tiredness that comes from living your best life. We had one more visit from our friends and their children, which we really looked forward to. The rest of the final week was spent in the pool, on family bike rides, and when Nick and I could, we’d get out running and cycling on our own, too (always in the early morning!).

Reflection and change

I’ve spent a lot of time reflecting, and I now realise I need to make some changes to help my healing journey. While the statistics say stage 4 cancer is incurable and that, frankly, getting run over by a bus would be a cure - I’ve realised I can do a lot to support my body and mind during this time. My diagnosis came as a massive shock, and it almost feels like the dust is only just starting to settle.

I talk a lot about the power of positivity and how I manage to maintain a healthy mindset. I also know it’s really important to recognise that all feelings, especially the harder ones, are valid and an essential part of life.

Every day at some point I think about the fact I might not be here to see my children grow and that Nick might end up looking after the boys on his own. After already being a single dad once, it breaks my heart that this could happen again, but this time not by choice. Another thing I need to accept is that if this does happen, my children could be separated, so I’ve got to try to find a solution to keep myself going for as long as possible.

I’ve always remained tight-lipped about my divorce for the sake of Aubrey - I never want him to hear me say bad things about his dad. I’ve tried incredibly hard to be dignified in the face of a lot of toxicity. But it’s really hard to know that one day Aubrey could be raised by someone that doesn’t like me and says unkind things about me. I will always make sure that he knows I love him and that he is my world, and hopefully, that will be enough. This is something that I wish upon no parent, ever. Please remember and hold this thought: if you are a divorced or a separated parent, or the partner of one, offloading onto the children and talking badly about their parents is damaging. They will grow up with toxicity and trauma in their life, which they will have to deal with later.

So the last week has been a time of reflection. With this in mind, and after speaking to a naturopath, I’ve decided to make a few changes by removing all toxic things from my life. I’m starting by removing alcohol, sugar and salt, while eating a very organic diet.

Another step I’m taking as part of my healing journey is to have a social media break. I love the community that I’ve built on Instagram and on Facebook, but I feel that I need a break (I’ve done this before, and it was great). I’ll only be gone for a short while, but it will allow me to spend more time working on myself rather than falling into scroll holes. I would still love to keep in touch, as Instagram has never been a place that I am on just to generate business. I love to hear from and speak to everyone, and I hope this comes across - you’ve all kept me going through some really rough times. So please do email me on amber@indiaandrar.com if you want to speak to me.

I’ve got quite a few things planned, including reiki, healing workshops, kinesiology and a few other treatments which I will share with you another time. I plan to do some sea swimming again, go climbing with my friends and enjoy more bike rides with Nick. I also plan to read a lot, so if you have any recommendations, please do let me know. Today I started ‘The Magic’ by Rhonda Byrne - I’ve dipped into this book twice, so I really hope that I’ll manage to complete the full 28 days. I’ll regularly update the blog and look forward to seeing everyone on the other side.

Sending love, gratitude (by the bucket load) and happy, healthy wishes to you all,

Amber xx